When Your Kid Wants to Quit a Lifelong Activity

Welcome to From Carpool to College, a show for parents who are trying to get ahead or just keep their sanity while navigating the college planning landscape. Hey Tara, Hi, I have a question for you. A situation. So your kid comes home from school. He is a junior, okay, and now your real son is a little younger than that. But I want you to do a little time machine for me. So he comes home and he's like, I think I want to quit baseball. Okay, all right, So now tell me what's going on in your head? What are all the thoughts racing? I'll be him ready. Mom. Are there any snacks? You know where they are? Oh? Mom, I think I want to quit baseball? Heartbreak? I heard it? Did you hear it? Crack? Yeah, it was like that Simpson's episode when Ralph Wiggams heart breaks when Lisa breaks it. Did I just totally play my nerd card? Yes? But okay, so you have to understand baseball is big in our house. We eat, sleep, breathe everything, Baseball everything. We go open to Dick's Sporting Goods. When I came to your house the other day, I was looking for your like the house number, and I saw the Yankee mailbox. I'm like, yeah, yes, that's it. That's it, right, So shock would be my first shock, is my initial you know response, And I wouldn't be prepared for it because it just wouldn't even cross my mind that he would want to do that. But I know that it's pretty common, right. Oh. Yes, So I had a client yesterday. Okay, and you didn't tell me this story yet, right. No, No, I had a client yesterday. We're talking about we're just prepping for the common app and he was sweating and it didn't make sense to me that he was anxious about something. This is like a handsome kid to sport athlete, pretty girlfriend, like the whole like exactly what you know, something out of a movie, right, You're I'm thinking this is an easy client because like, what are the complications? Yeah, well here's the complication. He has been playing lacrosse since he could walk. His dad has played lacrosse. I don't know any other generations before that. But he wants to quit lacrosse. And he is a junior. He just finished up the season and he is just wanting to stop. It reminded me of and of course I didn't say this him because probably wouldn't get the reference anyway, but the famous clash song, you know, we love the class. Should I stay or should I go? Right? Should he stay in lacrosse or should he leave? Yeah? And the whole stigma of quitting something right right right, And the family has invested so much time and energy and years of little you know, lacrosse clinics and camps and then in middle school and in high school and you know, all the different spinoffs and even they were talking about leveraging lacrosse to get into a college maybe that he couldn't necessarily get into unless it was leveraging his talents with lacrosse. Okay, So a huge investment for quite a while, and now at a point where it probably means a lot because he's applying to colleges or getting ready to Is he good enough where they would recruit him or he's you know. No, he's he's he's not going to be walking onto a Division one okay, lacrosse program okay, which is another word. We'll have plenty of episodes on how that all works, folks, for our listeners about athletics, there's it's craziness. So that's a whole lot of separate. Separate episode, but he could play D three or club. It's something that rounded out his application. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. So even if he's not being recruited or you know, looked at, it does look good on the on the application, right because it shows that longevity, the commitment. Sure, okay, so what did what did you say? While it was tough, I had to get to really the heart of the matter. If I'm going to drop names, names of songs all episode long, I had to get to the heart of the matter to figure out why he's quitting, all right. And as with a clinical background, I don't like to ask why questions because it makes people defensive. Really, oh yeah, that's like that. That's like clinical interview one oh one in grad school when you have in a session asking why. It's more of how does it make you feel? How does playing lacrosse the bu so I put on my therapist hat and we talked a little bit. And he just had been for a very long time going through the motions and playing it and sticking with it for reasons to not let his parents down, to not let his team down. And he respects authority. He doesn't want The coaches are very authoritarian, it turned out, and then he's just he's done. He's physically done, he's mentally done, and frankly, he wants to get a part time job. He is going to have some skin in the game when it comes to paying for college, and he wants to diversify his activities. His whole life has been eating, breathing, sleeping lacrosse. Okay, So the question is, I mean, how is it to what degree will it affect his application? And that's the answer. That's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about how do extracurricular activities, How are they part of an applicant's narrative? How are they part of your story? And it varies. And if leaving Lacrosse becomes part of his narrative to shape who he is, to have the courage to talk about how he feels and what it's doing and what he wants to repla place it with, then that's part of his story. And that's okay. But doesn't it look a little like, you know, maybe that he doesn't have that loyalty or that perseverance. Oh I thought I was the Sicilian in this. Relationship, the loyalty. Yeah, well well yes and no. Do students leave athletics? Do students leave playing the piano? Do students leave? Do they grow? You know, do they grow different sets of interest as they go through their school years? Totally? It does. It happens all the time. But when kids and families are in the thick of it, they don't see it, and it becomes a much more amplified situation that's packed with. Just guilt. Yeah, and and parents, you know this. Our whole podcast is for parents to listen to. So we're going to speak to you parents, and we want to really We're going to task you with this and think about think about your kids. Think about the activities that they're in. Are they diversified? Are they getting that poo poop plotter if you will, I totally want Chinese now? But are they getting a sampling of different activities or are they fully immersed in just one? And how different it is now with our kids generation than versus when we were growing up. Well yeah, because your whole life revolves around. Right, some of those sports. So whatever the sport may be, you feel that, you know, that's where your friend group is, that's where you're you know, the parent group is. That's where the location of where you're hanging out. Even if you're not playing the sports, sometimes you're there to watch and toeer on other teams. So I think that when you decide, or when a student decides that they do want to quit, that is. Such a huge decisions. Right, It's a very big decision because it is not just Okay, I'm no longer going to be on the team. Right, And parents have some other considerations are has has your child done this before? So is this this kid which jumping from? Yeah? Just right? And even if you're a jumper, even if you're a cherry picker, I say, if you're just going from tree to tree, trying different trying different activities, there is a time and a place for that. So as we look to. If we look through the lens of a college application, this kid was so freaked out that he was not going to get legit. He said, am I going to get into Penn State if I quit lacrosse? And I looked at him and I'm like, where are you getting this from? This kid? Tara was like, am I going to get in you Dell? If I quit lacrosse? My senior year of high school, and I was like. No, so from a college admissions person. Well like, no, that he's they won't affect admissions. No he won't, like he will get it right, right right. But what I'm saying is it really doesn't matter that he quit. As long as there's some other something. Else, Well that's it too. So it becomes or. Is it okay to should it be? Should it be replaced with something else? It depends. It really depends on the kid. As it turns out, lacrosse in his school is very much like a cult, as many schools are. And I was a field hockey coach, so I've seen it. I've absolutely seen it. I have not contributed to the cult like vibe. I hope I didn't, But in certain schools and certain sports and certain activities, in some cases, marching band is like a cult. So you know, oh my gosh, oh, I'm not going to say any schools, but wow, that's like a lifestyle marching band. And don't think for a hot second that marching band on a college application has any is any less than any other activity. It's it's very coveted, especially for those schools you have marching bands, so saying that we're talking about any activity, but the question is do you want to replace it with something? Yes, you can, but it's also part of maybe you don't have that answer yet. I did ask him, with the extra time and energy that he'll have, has he given the thought? Asked where he's going to put it? And he was talking about it. He's like, well, I need to make some money because I'll be going away to school and I have to pay for my books and this and that and his car and gas and stuff. So I don't know if you dell. I think you dell. Well, hopefully he'll get in you dell, but depending on the school. But really he felt like it's he felt like he was quitting. And I want to encourage parents to reframe when one of our kids decides we're done, Can we maybe not say quit. I don't want to sound too pc and like, you know, be like the word police here, but maybe we're pivoting our interests. Maybe we are, we've gone in a different direction. Oh. We stopped playing lacrosse after junior year because I needed a break because I also play football and it was so much on my body. Or I want to focus on fitness or the kids who were in dance since they're out of diapers, right, those little gremlins with their cute little two two's And I don't know. I have boys, so I don't know what they have. But did your daughter do dance? She did a little bit. Yeah, feel little shoes, yeah, you know, point shoes. And you have the pictures every year that you get gouged for, right, it's like seventy five bucks just for the freaking pictures. Yep. And God forbod you don't get them. You're beat parent? Who are Can we talk? Can we have a separate episode about freaking sports and activity photographers who gouge you and they set up their cameras and you get the packages, and it's like, that's ridiculous. It is, it's terrible. And then you know what I find now? I find envelopes of like five by sevens of my kids when they were like six or seven years old, with their little baseball uniform. Adorable, but like all these wallets and that I never. Gave to Aunt Patty and Aunt Laura and Uncle Mike and Uncle Joey, like they never got him, never got him. They never made it to the Christmas card. Yeah. Well the school photos too, it's the same thing. Yeah. For meanwhile, it's like two hundred dollars later and get the freaking magnet. Yeah oh I know. Oh wait every but again that goes back to your thing about every the huge investment that comes with whatever hobby, spore activity that they're involved in. How about how about speed and agility classes? Now, oh yeah, totally use that as like a chubby middle school girl. They just were talking about that yesterday on the baseball field. How they the kids were asking their parents to do it, so they. Actually want to do it. Yeah yeah, yeah, God bless them. Right. So there's a lot of time, a lot of money invested, which when a kid wants to leave an activity. As a parent, it's like. Come on, man, one more year, let's go. Like, but we do have to listen to our kids. Yeah, and right, you know, we do have to keep that communication open and parents. This is so hard for us. Well, it's hard for I'll speak for myself. It's hard for me when things get thrown at me like that. For my kids. Now it's different because I'm an empty nester. My kids are in college. It's different. But back when I was in the middle of it all, but to not impose my gut instinct, my gut answers, and just not react and just listen. Yeah, just hit pause, parents, and and listen. Inside it could be like crazy card. Inside it's just the explosion. It's whatever. Well, because you're being thrown like a curveba oh, I see what you did there? Yeah, but it's true, right, you weren't expecting whatever it was leaving this sport, going to that. Whatever the question or request is from the kids. Most of the time, you don't anticipate what they would be. No, And I think, and I've maybe I watched too many after school specials back in the day where it's always like a very dark element that influences a child to make a decision. So it's like, you wanta what are you being? You know, are you in a bad situation? Yeah? Did you know somehow find yourself in a white van, you know, down by the river or like well, like I my brain will play the real yeah, I will think worst case scenario. Yeah every time. And it's almost to a point where I definitely have had help with therapy with like intrusive bad thoughts when it comes to my kids because they're my precious. I want nothing to happen to them. I want no harm. We all did. We want our kids to thrive. But hold on one second, because I think in that same thought, when they're telling you they want to pivot. Okay, we're not. Going to use the word quit. But as a parent, is you know you struggle with well, do I push them a little bit and say, listen, what advice you know? Like that I think comes up initially too Well, should I just kind of force them to do it? Should I push them just for this little bit of time left, you know, especially if they are towards the end of their high school career. Totally, Because what you're addressing is resilience, right, we want our kids to be resilient. And I could hear my dad right now in the back like I could just hear them in the back of my head as a he's a baby boomer, and I could hear him say, all these kids are soft these days, and they don't stick with anything, and you know, the loyalty and the you know, back in my day, it's like, oh no, and but but all of that is our collective thought process, All those little files come out. But what you speaking to is how are we going to bolster our kids' resilience As parents? It's our job to do that, but it's a fine line when your kid comes to you after a lifetime of a commitment and they want to discontinue. So both of my boys played baseball, played baseball, passed tense. They're in college now, and they when they were in high school, let's say no, I'll go back. They did t ball, they did rec baseball. They did travel for a little bit, which started out very benign. It started out. As like All Stars and it was like, oh, we're going to a different town, and then we're going to a different county. Like it was very subtle, and the next thing, you know, the all Star team became something else and you could sub for a travel team. And then all of a sudden, it's like, oh, so my ex and I don't agree on many things like legit and terrorists face. It's like, yeah, you're not going to talk about this, are you. No, I'm not going to talk about that because that's not even an episode. That's just that's in the book. But we both agreed as parents that for our kids travel was too much, and we were definitely the minority in that we're big baseball town. How you know, you're a big baseball family too, You're probably a big baseball town as well. But we decided travel was a little bit too much. That in the summer, we live in a lake community. We wanted them to swim. We wanted them to have diverse fitness and diverse sport different athletics that were team sports, and baseball is very individual. Even though you're on a team, it's super individual. So we wanted just different experiences for them. And we were probably one of the only families who didn't participate in travel. And I got to tell you, as a mom, especially a divorce mom, it was lonely. I felt it because the click of families that all now went in on hotel rooms together, and they went to the Cooper's Town trip together, and they went down the shore together. And then it was like, you know, I was in the stands listening as they were going over, like who's going to bring the margaritas, Who's gonna you know, oh, you know, the food and the barbecue, whole culture around it. It was, it was it was a little I felt like a flashback of middle school socially, and you know, for a second, I was just like, wow, this is really I am an outsider and are my kids outsiders? And they could have they I'm not going to curse, but they really could have given it a rats but about about it, right, But that's them. Yeah, another kid may have felt differently. I don't know. But I did talk to them about it, and so did their dad, and we were both very clear on the why. And I think that's also important parents as we look to when your kid is deciding to kind of pivot to something else or discontinue, like think, you don't necessarily have to ask flat out the why, but for what purpose? So giving us more time to do different things was our jam and I have to say it's probably one of the best things we did for our boys. Our boys were not well. My oldest probably could have if he continued, he probably could have played ball in college, but he didn't want to. Yeah, he wanted to get into other things. And I think also that was my influence on him, because I could have played field hockey in college and I really didn't want that lifestyle. I wanted college to be oh, I wanted to be animal house. Frankly, I wanted it to be like I wanted it to just be crazy, and it. Was. It actually was, and it was wonderful. But originally I was going to be playing field hockey and I decided to not go in that direction and I went student and it worked for me really, really well, and I ended up going into that and it was a little a big pivot actually, going from being like a badass on a field hockey field to like, let's talk about the needs of the student center. You know what's wow. I didn't know that. Oh yes, oh yeah, so it was, and I had zero experience of that in high school. I wasn't like student counsel or anything. I got into the all high school and it was awesome for me. So similarly, you know, both my kids, well Joey, especially the older one he chose, but my kids, both my boys played such competitive ball in high school that my younger guy, when he was a senior, he didn't get any playing time and he was okay with it, and he said, mom, I didn't put the time in like the rest of my teammates. I didn't play travel, I don't go to speed and agility, but they deserve it, and I'm okay with it. I am so happy to be part of this team. He did the stats, he kept the score, and I know that's Alex. He's amazing that he was the and he was the loudest one on the bench. I'm not gonna do I'm not gonna impersonate him because I'll blow up the mics and producer Chris will have like bleeding ear drums. But you could always hear Alex cheering. And as a matter of fact, he got very little playing time as a senior, like maybe three innings. Like I don't even think he got a varsity letter his senior year. But they did win States and he won the Baseball Scholarship because his essay he talked about how much baseball meant to him and it. Was about being part of a team. There you go, right, So like that's true. So think about parents, your own put aside your walk, Yeah, think about where your kid is, Think about what kind of activities are we going to replace with leaving that longstanding activity. Right. Understand that when they finish. There will be grief. Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you, because they come to you and not only do they want to tell you what. I'm sure they're asking for advice, right, So how do you guide them in the direction of making a well informed decision in an appropriate way. What are some of the things that you suggest and what do you expect will happen? Like, I know you're talking about grief, but before you even get to that part, can you just give the parents, the listeners some practical advice of how to handle the conversation. Keeping communication open without judgment. Parents, if you're reacting, you better channel your inner actor or actress and be chill, do not react. Just listen and understand parents that this happens all the time. And also understand parents that it's okay. It's not going to make or break college acceptances. It's not. Also understand the dynamics that your kid is experiencing within that team culture and in that system is something you cannot get into. You don't know what they're going through. You don't know if the coaches are bullies. You don't know if there's I'm not going to curse, if the vibe of the team is one of nasty, and if your kid is sensitive or just kind hearted, and maybe that's not smiled upon maybe it's too competitive. You have to think about your child's emotional health and coping skills and really strike that balance. It's okay to talk about it in counseling with a therapist, with a school counselor someone impartial, just to navigate through, what are you feeling right now? What kind of feelings are you experiencing it different points with this team, with this history, and what do you what do you need? Do you need a break? Do you need to hit pause? And it's okay, right, it's not. That's part of being authentic, and that the bottom line being authentic is truly if we're going to be solely looking about a college application for God's sake, which is not the important part here, but if you were to look through the lens of a college admissions, you want to be authentic. You don't want to be a phony balogy. You don't want to pick these activities because it looks good. Okay, if you've. Been doing something your whole life and you want to continue, great, awesome, good for you, awesome, it will serve you well. But if you do need to pivot just now, you know, you keep that communication open and expect expect some grief. Think about the stages of grief, right, there's denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance, and it doesn't have to go in that order, and they and definitely the stages can skip and you could spend time in different spots. But maybe your kid's been trying to tell you this for a while and you've been in denial, right, maybe you try to bargain with your kid and say, you know, can we just do it one more season? How about we just do this, let's just get to X right. Then finally everyone will come to acceptance with that decision. But it's still loss. And I've worked a lot with especially with my field hockey players, when they finish college after playing there, you know, since they're gremlins in sixth grade, fifth grade, they go into high school, they play for four years and they do the clubs and they do all the camps, and then they go on to play for four years in college, sometimes five, and then it's done, and it's grief and it's loss because there's a void. So and it's part of being human, just like everything else. Yeah. Absolutely, So if one of your kids says, oh, I don't think I want to do this anymore, you're mentally prepared for that. Parents. Yeah, that's I think that's important just to kind of have that, not that you're saying like, oh, every kid's going to quit their junior year, but you know, it is good to kind of just have these things in the back of your mind so if they do pop up, yeah. If they do pop up. Sure. And also as the adult, we say this all the time, right, what we we can only we can only control, right, we can only what is it, I'm gonna screw it up? I should have more coffee. What's in our control in these situations is how we handle things right, And that's important to impart to your child because as if they decide to quit lacrosse. Oh I said quit, So they quit, they quit lacrosse. I'm done, I'm pivoting, I'm not playing anymore, I'm resigning. I'm retiring at age sixteen, whatever haveever. You want to say it, it's important that you're instructing your child to do to go through these the process as a mature adult with dignity, respect for all parties. You know, it's professional. Even though coaches may not behave professionally. Coaches may try. To bully your kid, or guilt your kid into staying, or they may call you as a parent, Oh you know what's going on? What can we do? What can we do? What can we bargain? How can we bargain with you? Just keep your kid on It happens all the time. But again, what's in your control is how you handle things, and for our kiddos, it's with peace and respect and even an email to the coach after you have the discussion, of course, because it's a face to face discussion and it's you know, less's best coach. Do you have a second? I decided that I'm not going to be playing lacrosse after this season, and thank you so much. Oh but what it's a lot, and I can't really talk about it right now, but I wish you guys well, and I just wanted to let you know. I wanted you to hear it from me first, because kids will talk about it with their buddies and then it becomes gossip, and then it becomes hey, I heard that from such and such that you're thinking of leaving the team. So we want to get ahead of those things. So parents get ahead, Warren, warn your kid about how adults can behave like children, which is so bad, right, but it's true, it's true, and then steal that deal with an email like hey, coach, thanks for talking to me today and I wish you the very best. And that's it. Because if the coach is great about it, which they're probably not going to be because it's also looks bad on them, right, and it may open up Pandora's box. Someone else may have the courage to leave the team too. So there's a lot of variables again, all of but all of that is not in your control. What's in your control is how your kid decides to pivot. When they pivot, and you kind of coaching them through how to leave something. Yeah, and support and just reminding them that you appreciate their courage and just their ability to communicate all that with you, because sometimes it's hard. When they're in high school, they don't say a lot. It's usually in the. Car, or it's usually the friend that tells you, or whatever it may be. So it's you know, just reminding them that you appreciate that they could come and talk to you. That's really important, right, So, well, we are so glad you hung out with us today at From carpool to college. As we talked about should I stay, I'm not going to sing it. Should I stay or should I go? With these extracurriculars and guiding your kid through making that decision and doing it with class and dignity. And just now they're still getting into you, Dell, that's right. If they're not playing lacrosse their senior year, that's right, all right. I am Tracy Amadeo, Tara har and we are from Carpool to College. We'll see you next time. Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. If you enjoyed what you heard, we'd love for you to be a part of our growing community. Please share and follow our show. For those who want to support us further, join our Patreon site here. Support helps us create high quality content and great episodes. Plus, our Patreon members get exclusive perks like bonus episodes, early access, and behind the scenes content that we think. You're just going to love. And now for some legal stuff. The content of this podcast is for informational and educational entertainment purposes only, and it is provided as is, with no guarantee of accuracy, completeness, timeliness, or outcomes. I could keep going, but I will spare you, and I will post this entire legal disclaimer on our website www. Dot Academic MENTORINGLLC dot com under podcast Tara and I are so glad you joined us today on from Carpool to College. See you next time. Something like that. Yeah, done's good. Okay, Chris, make that pretty please? Pretty please? Make it pretty please, Chris, Chris. Go back. The time is ten minutes and two seconds right now, but go back and take out sand Do. Okay, So I'm going to start this kid all right. Here we go, pick it up