The Perfect Kid Myth

Welcome to From Carpool to College, a show for parents who are trying to get ahead or just keep their sanity while navigating the college planning landscape. Welcome to from Carpool to College. What are we talking about today? This is a weird one. No, it's not. Well, it's definitely relatable. The perfect kid myth, it's. Not weird, all right, go on. Okay, So where does this come from? Well, social media, right, peer pressure, all of these ways that we are talking to people and we fall into this trap of comparing our kid to their kid or you know, whatever it may be. So this perfect kid myth is almost taking on a huge role in how parents are viewing the whole college process. Oh. As a school counselor too, I see when I've met I don't do it anymore in my role, but when I would meet with families, they would come in and be like, you know, we want to have six AP classes before senior year. And it's like the kid's fourteen and like has his shirt buttoned wrong and like a booger hanging out of his nostril. It's like, Oh, what's happening here? Right? And so I think that you know, we have all these false ideas about what our kids need to be at what age and with regards to applying to colleges, you know, all these checks and things that we have to do. We have to make sure they're in playing a sport, we have to make sure that they're volunteering. We have to make sure that they are getting good grades and participating and involved in clubs. And it is intense. The it depends where you are, is well, but because they're you know, it can vary. But to be like where we are like geographically yeah, community wise yeah, because we are in we are in suburban New Jersey. We're about thirty miles due west of Manhattan. And the culture is everybody goes to college. Everybody goes to a top tier college. And it's it's not true, but that's the expectation. And people do use people, meaning parents. Oh, this is going to be harsh, but I feel like some parents exploit their kids a bit as almost an accessory to them. The bragging. You know, I was talking with someone the other day who came up with a very interesting idea. I don't know what you think of this, tracy, but this comes from a very well read relative of mine, who is super smart. And we were talking about the podcast and college planning, and he said, in where we are the Northeast, we have this attitude that we're lucky to go to the college, right, We're lucky to get accepted, whereas in other parts of the country, the mentality is the complete opposite. It's the college saying we're lucky to have you here. Wow. Is that interesting? It is right because of the way that certain universities. It could have a lot to do with their pr whatever, but just the way that they welcome students and the communities that they create in certain parts of the country are different. And I think that because of where we're located, we do have that hyper fixation on getting into that very good school and making sure that everybody. Knows about it as well. How do they know? Social media? Social media so true, it's so true. Did we talk about I think we talked about it offline, but those maybe we did put an episode about when a kid gets in and the social media post they make they transform the whole bedroom into party, the bed party, right. Yeah, where there's hundreds and hundreds of dollars spent for those few ig posts, right, the Instagram posts that show the person you know, with a bunch of decorations, right fanfare relating to the college or university, all the swag. It's fun. I mean it's fun. It's definitely fun for sure. But and then there's the boy version of it, because usually that's the girl version. Then there's the boy version, which is some sort of outdoor similar type of party with different lawn games and things, and everything's decorated in the colors. Of Cornhole Penn State Cornhole. Yeah. Yeah, but that puts a lot of pressure it does kids on the parents and the parents also because I feel like as parents, we are we always want to do right by our kids, but we also have insecurities as parents. We're learning this too. We're in the process of learning. Had to parent emerging adults for the first time. Yeah, and with social media. So years ago when we went to school, I knew maybe where my close friends went, but if you asked me where every kid in my graduating class was calling. First of all, there was like six hundred of them. So there you go go to Jersey. But on top of that, now, as a parent, I can tell you where some of the graduating seniors are going, and I don't think I've ever met them, but just because they pop up on the feeds and there's you know, all of the different posts that happen and get shared and you know, tagged and whatnot. So it is molding our thoughts and ideas about the kids and the perfect kid and making sure we have those checklists and we're able to fill out the graphic organizers and the checklists and all the other things to make sure that they get where they need to be because then we think if we don't get them there, it looks bad and it's our fault in a way. Yeah, it really does tug out our insecurities, yes, for sure. So you know that perfect kid checklist that we keep saying, and there some of the assumptions and things that come up with you know, what makes the best kid? You're the chance of getting into a school. And when I say perfect kid, there's so many great things about what makes a good kid, but what we're saying are the things that we think they have to meet these requirements, so having great grades and lots of extracurriculars and. Oh the National Honor Society, like, oh, will you be at the National Honor Society induction? Thursday night. No, yes, I was not ever. Yeah, my kids were never on the honorall, which you know what, and they're doing great right right, But in the moment, it's like one can you can one of you get on the honor roll at some point please? Right? And I will say that. So my younger child, he's been on the honorall every marking period and I asked him, and we don't put the pressure on him. And I asked him, I said, how do you feel about it? And he said, you know, I feel really great. I've been able to look at my grades this year and kind of work towards it and it actually helps me. It motivates me. I said, hey, that's great. So it does work in some ways. But I think it's just that oversaturation of who's doing what, where or when. But I also think that he's intrinsically motivated. And that's a big difference too, because some of our kids are not. They what motivates them is all over the place, right, and my kids are very socially motivated, not academically motivated. And it sounds like your your guy very much. No matter what you did, you know he's he is who he is too. There's an element of that because it's easy to get caught up in that comparison game, and you know, why, why why don't you volunteer to walk dogs at Saint Hubert's And you know that's what that's what Patrick's doing. But instead, what are my kids doing? It's this. It's to see parents can get this. Parents of boys right now will know this. Sound ready. I hope that. I hope that translates well, Producer Chris, that's this is what motivates my kids, Xbox Xbox. I can call either one of my boys mid semester and hear this in the background and I and I hear it and I just ignore it, and I say, what are you doing? Are you busy? And I hear, I'm just studying. I'm just studying, just studying. I'm gonna keep it clean. But that's what motivates my kids. Hopefully they'll graduate, yeah, they will, they will, they will. But so anyway, I think that moving forward, just looking at it, what do I don't even want to say, what do colleges really want? That's that's not even it. It's just it's just, you know, our kids have to be authentic. Yeah, and if we force. They need to be guided. But if we impose, we impose activities or interests on them, and it's not it doesn't dovetail with who they are. It is not authentic and no matter. And if you are asking that dirty question about what do Colin just look for? Right, because that's what everyone else, well, well you know, really it's how can my kid thrive authentically in high school and continue thriving with new activities or continued activities in college or in trade school or in industry. Right, So what we do? We get our insecurities tug at us when we look at social media. Oh my gosh, I mean I even get annoyed. When is this like a I don't want to I'm not going to curse? Is this kind of like a nagging episode? Am I being too down? No? You got to check me if I am, throw something at me. But I even get annoyed when parents talk about where their kid is applying to right, Like they'll say, oh, well, what's on your list? Well, our safety is going to be rockers. We're gonna stick with whatever we're gonna We're gonna look at wake Forest and Duke and you know they'll they'll throw in all these schools and you know, meanwhile, you know, look I'm doing I'm listening to this as a parent, and I'm thinking my kid is going to start at the community college for a year and then transfer and we'll see what's up, right, So I just I think this is a worthy topic about the myth of the perfect kid, and I think it's even more amplified when it comes to the college planning process. So you're right, something that we have to talk about, Tara, Yeah, for sure. And you know, even so we're also getting similar questions. But right now, it's what colleges have you looked at so far? Where are you going? What are what are the ones that your child wants to potentially apply to? And right away that pressure starts. Can I actually throw in a nugget. I'm sorry to interrupt this, but parents, when when your kids are applying to college, don't tell other parents where your kid is applying to college. I know this sounds dirty, but you have to understand the more when when there's a high school with a group of students and they're all applying to the same school, that could diminish your kid's chance of getting in. So try to come up with a press release. I wouldn't. I wouldn't have your kids advertising where they're applying. I wouldn't talk about it at the cocktail party or the sidelines. I would. I would have a blanket statement to say something like, we're kind of all over the map. We're kind of looking at a six six hour radius, some private, some publics, I don't know. Keep it general, keep it general. I really wouldn't start throwing names around. I really wouldn't. But but go on, we're talking about the parent chatter. Yeah, no, that's that's really good advice. And I think that they just look at you know, your kid's age and whatever it may be, even if it's relatives or people you haven't seen in a while, and to make conversation. But that's another little way to throw in that added pressure, right to a parent and to a kid as well. So I think you know what you're saying is good. Just keep it general. Oh you know, we have a few ideas in mind. And how about you, how are your kids doing? Turn it right around. Jefferson Fisher if you're out there, he is a wonderful author and podcaster who talks about the art of conversation, and it's so much more involved than we think and really helpful information. But anyway, so there are some things that you know when we're talking thinking about the perfect kid. First of all, we don't want a perfect kid, we just don't. But we want someone who's happy. They're going to feel. Confident and try different things throughout their high school years in terms of different sports, different clubs, organizations, whatever it may be. Not overloading them and then letting them see they go sure. And even letting them have trials and tribulations and attempts and fails. And if your kid hasn't had any losses in high school, well they're going to come so perfect and there's a whole image that they could do no wrong. I'm picturing a whole bunch of students I've had in the past with the honor cords on their graduation gowns, and it's like, of course, and I've won, my sweet kid. I stayed in touch with a great student just graduated. He graduated from Dartmouth and now he just graduated with his PhD. He'll be defending at Princeton. He finished up all his coursework, and I saw his Princeton picture. He had the there's like a staff that they hold, and he threw his thing up, and I thought he is the perfect kid, But what is the perfect kid? But really, but I know him very well and you know, ups and downs in all a rounds. But damn that social media picture made him look like the perfect kid. You know, and he's a sweetheart. But it doesn't help when we have insecurities as parents and making sure that we're doing right by our kids, especially when it comes to such big decisions with what are we doing after high school? Right? Right exactly? So we'll just kind of end here with the idea that you know, them being authentic and figuring out, you know, what their strengths are, some of their interests, you know what their needs may be, because that's the other piece of it that we always kind of mention, the mental health, and you know, having that idea of what's going to work for each kid is very different. So to fit to fit into a mold of the perfect kid doesn't work for sure. Yeah, yeah, it sounds good. I was just thinking before we go, I was thinking about the goofy kids and in high school, and Tara and I both have been high school public school teacher for quite a while. We will at least twenty years each. And we had the pleasure of meeting a fellow podcaster named Lisa Hill and she is a retired vice principal out in Iowa, and we chatted with her this week and compared stories about our adventures in public school and with young adults. And she actually has a podcast. We're gonna take a second to glow up. She's sent us a little clip and we think it's worthy for you to hear it, especially for our parents who are in public education as educators. Check out her cute little her commercial for us. Hi. I'm doctor Lisa Hill, a longtime educator of nearly forty years as a teacher, counselor, professor and vice principal, and I've seen just about everything public schools can throw at you. And now I'm sharing my tales on my comedy podcast, Vice Principal on aufust Our school leadership meets laugh out loud. Stories from underwear required parent teacher conferences yes really, two staff launch confessions, and more you won't believe. I'm telling it all with humor. And a whole lot of heart. I also tackle the serious stuff too, like what schools really need to change and those behind the scenes moments no one talks about. So if you're ready to laugh, learn, and maybe even cry a little, but mostly laugh, join me and my ninety year old mom my unofficial co host on Vice Principal on Office. New episodes drop bi weekly on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast fix. Trust me, this is one detention you'll actually look forward to. She's great and she does curse in her podcast, so make sure you're not listening to that with the kids in the backseat. But what made us think about her is our kids are also in this imperfect high school and there are going to be a lot of missteps and great decisions and stupid decisions that our kids make and we just love them through it. And they're going to have teachers and principles and guidance counselors who will help them along the way. So as you're worried about your kid and maybe you think something your kid is falling short for something, trust your instincts, but just know that it is natural. But also reach out to a school counselor, reach out to a teacher, reach out to a friend, get a vibe, and have that conversation. If you're worried about your kid because they're the other piece is yes, your kid is never going to be perfect. But if you're a little too concerned, reach out for help because our parent instinct is typically spot on. So thanks for joining us today as we talked about the perfect kid myth. We are academic Mentoring LLC dot com. We are from carpool to college. I am Tracy Amadeo and Tara Harrits and we're so glad you joined us today. Have a good one. Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. If you enjoyed what you heard, we'd love for you to be a part of our growing community. Please share and follow our show. For those who want to support us further, join our Patreon site. Your support helps us create high quality content and great episodes. Plus, our Patreon members get exclusive perks like bonus episodes, early access, and behind the scenes content that we think you're just going to love. And now for some legal stuff. The content of this podcast is for informational and educational entertainment purposes only, and it's provided as is with no guarantee of accuracy, completeness, timeliness, or outcomes. I could keep going, but I will spare, and I will post this entire legal disclaimer on our website www. Dot Academic MENTORINGLLC dot com. Under podcast. Tara and I are so glad you joined us today on from carpool to College. See you next time, something like that. Yeah, done's good. Okay, Chris, make that pretty? Please? Pretty please make it pretty please? Welcome back? No, I can't. You always started I've never started it before. Oh my goodness. Okay,